Best Advent!

Totally forgot to post the greatest advent calender ever!Day one was a wee pirate.

Holidays are Coming

Just hanging out with the Coke bus pulled up outside L1!

Candy Conrona

To be honest I was a tad embarrassed asking a bartender to make a “Candy Corona” so i sent Forsburg instead. There is simplicity to this genius concoction: Add the shot of grenadine to a regular bottle of Corona lager, and serve..... Delicious!

P.S Please visit well stocked bars, using blackcurrent for asthetics alone is not fun at all.

Tweets

So despite my initial reluctance to any kind of social networking change, i have decided to join the masses and give this tweeting lark a go. This is reminiscent of the early Facebook days with me clinging on to my Myspace profile for dear life.haha loser! As i have no clue as to what to do on twitter i feel a bit like im whispering in a very large room,with only my 'sympathy' follower hearing the pearls of wisdom. Check me out @Stickycalvins

Injured!

I am currently typing with the use of only one arm as i have the other one hanging out in a sling. For once an excuse for my bad typing skills! With my football session only weeks away and our first set of friendy matches starting next Saturday, i have unfortunately dislocated in my shoulder and and going to be out of action for about a month at least!Sad times, check out my droopy shoulder, beard is coming on well though.

Getting Paid Getting Paid

I will be writing this post in green as i find it to be a total appropriate colour given the nature of the subject!


Such a pleasant way to start a day when you sit at your desk half asleep, opening your emails and are informed you are being awarded a pay rise and bonus for being, and i quote... 'wholly exceptional'. Haha what a joke,surely they must have the wrong employee as i tend to put in a real average shift nearly everyday and spend my days staring at the ceiling being incredibly bored. 

But who am i to refuse such a gift for quite simply being my awesome self. In times of recession im certainly not complaining taking money from the government, how crazy is that. 


As i am such a gentleman i simply cannot divulge the figure i have received however i will tell it is substantial enough to send me abroad to get  bit of sun on my skin and some sea air in my lungs. Truly blessed!


Cheers Cameron.... Loving your pay cuts mate!

Polska zabawa! Part 1

It has been almost a month since returning from the Domingos FC Polska tour and I still cant quite get over how totally amazing the whole trip actually was. On the football front we unfortunately got well and truly crushed by two very average teams, however I would say we gave a good account of ourselves considering the epic amount of piwo consumed and total lack of sleep. Excuses Excuses!

The trip began in true fashion... at the bar with a pint of beer in hand. My first memory was waiting for the team to assemble in John Lennon Airport bar and trying to convince Danny of the best way to get over a hangover. We proposed to avoid a hangover he should get ridiculously drunk, followed by eating loads of food and then very classily throwing it all up before going to bed. THEN wake up in the morning to a shot of vodka. It never fails we claimed! Needless to say I somehow think he wasn’t feeling the idea but it was worth a shot.

Flying out at 4.00pm would mean we would be landing just in time to hit the Wroclaw nightlife. On the plane a few of the lads decided to get a head start on the drinking, however anticipating the heavy night ahead I decided to sit on the sensible row between Stu and Paul. I now feel like I am an expert on everything Egypt (cheers Paul) and a pro at the Putt Golf app on Stu's Iphone. Sadly I do not own an Iphone.

We where greeted at Wroclaw airport by a guy holding a 'Domingos FC' sign. A sense of importance engulfed the team as we where welcomed and shown to the team buses. To be far we looked rather pro! The hostel was about 20 minutes away from the airport so we took in a few on the sights on the way. Wroclaw is a beautiful city, loads of old colourful buildings with a mix of traditional and modern architecture. It reminding me of my time in Warsaw.

When we pulled up outside the hostel my first impression was 'oh shit'. The exterior was covered in a jungle themed graffiti and had a really dodgy looking entrance with no signs or windows. The place looked like a proper dive, hardly the luxury of the boogie hostel from the previous year. But to be fair when I actually got inside it was rather nice.

So we dropped the bags off and headed to the Polska 24 hour bar situated less than 100 yards away from the hostel. This would prove to be too much of a vice for many of the team throughout the duration of the trip... mostly notably Craig 'I scored today' Ramsey who spent a few too many days and a couple mornings there. The first of many attractive barmaids greeted us with an uneasy smile, a rowdy gangs of Englishmen must have been quite an intimidating sight. So with my extensive knowledge of the Polish language I said to her " Czesc!piwo proszę". She seemed pleasantly surprised and the beers appeared at £1.20 a glass! At this point I realised I would not be enjoying getting up to play football tomorrow... oh well more beer!

At the request of Anton Forsberg i gave my 'I don't want to get turned over speech', "Lets get an early night lads". As usual nobody listens!So with that over with we decided to keep it old school and return to the rock club. This is place that we visited last year and became infamous thanks to Jon Mcs's beer showers and all Polish girls persistence to salsa dance to every type of music. There is a rule in this place where you cannot take any drinks onto the dance floor for some reason and there is an iron ring of no-nonsense bouncers ready to eject anybody who does not comply. Each of these monsters were absolute men mountains so it was a good idea not to fuck with them.
From this point the rest of this night is still a bit of a blur. Luckily cameras captured it all and offer a insight into the lost hours.Anton Clarke seemed to have impressed everybody with his crip walking and Adam Hung wins the award for photo of the night.

Sobering up i emerged from the nightclub with my pal Al squinting at the slight of the daylight. A quick look at the clock confirmed it was nearly 6am! We looking across at our newly acquainted Polish friends and without the aide of bad disco lighting we began to heavily questioned the age of these young looking females!The girl i had been hanging out Ola smiled and showed a mouth full of metal. Haha no way!!BRACES ....... it is now time to go!

To be Continued ...... 

The Real Kicks!

A major purchase has been made this week in an effort to aide the grooling task of getting myself back into shape for the new football season. For weeks I have slobbed around eating junk, going for meals, nights out and of course Poland. So in the words of the great Otis Redding "A Change is Gonna Come", I have now became woman free and I’m going to swerve alcohol for a while. So catch me looking super fly in new wheels pounding some serious concrete around Calderstones Park. Wish me luck!

Best Offices Ever

The offices of Inventionland are ridiculous!The US-based company invents more than 2000 items per year, licensing out one new product every three days.

All of this happens in a 70,000sqft building that is is designed with 15 different sets. Sets range from pirate ships, race tracks, and caves, to red carpet walkways, a castle, or a giant robot. Instead of being a normal “employee”, Inventionland employees are known as “Creationeers” and get to wear lab coats. I need this job!

Big Al (The legend)

During a random trip to Hoylake with my pal John  i came across Big Als Barber shop. As many of you may already know we all call my father big al,mainly due to the fact his name is Alan and he is pretty big.Immediately the image of a camp big al in one of his famous pink polo shirts entered my head,could he be leading a double life servicing the hair of Hoylake? Unfortunately not, some old small guy was there in his place. Total false advertising!

Drinking Tips

Ive just been told an interesting rhythm which seems crazy enough to investigate. Whilst discussing a works night out, the girl at the next desk to me (the one who keeps me refreshed with numberous cups of tea a day) told me:

Drink beer before wine all fine, Drink wine before beer... oh dear!

So i did a bit of ivestigating and ive found a possible explanation that can be applied to all sorts of drinking situations.

At the bottom of the stomach is the pyloric sphincter muscle which regulates the flow of food and drink into the intestine. Normally this is closed, opening at regular intervals to allow food etc through. When you drink a fizzy drink the bubbles will form on the stomach lining similar to how they form on the side and bottom of a glass. These bubbles stimulate the pyloric sphincter muscle and cause it to open allowing food and drink into the intestine. The intestine has a much higher surface area to volume ratio than the stomach which allows much increased absorption of nutrients etc including alcohol. When you have been drinking wine this will sit in the stomach and is slowly released into the intestine. If you then drink a fizzy drink, such as beer, this opens the sphincter muscle and allows beer AND wine into the intestine. This cocktail is rapidly absorbed and everything goes a bit "oh dear". If you drink the beer first then the same thing happens except that the cocktail entering the intestine is just beer and therefore "all fine". Subsequent wine consumption will be absorbed more slowly since the sphincter would then be working normally. Incidentally, this is the same mechanism by which Champagne goes "straight to your head".

Total Saddo

This is absolute Gold and must be written down!In a bid to make my working day that little bit more satisfactory, i have started a tradition in which i spend the first hour of work (Usually from 8.00am!!) looking for the most amazing facts on the planet and relaying them to my glamourous txting buddy also suffering in her boring NHS gig .Here are some of the fruits of our work!

*Flamingos get their pink colour from the shrimp they eat The more shrimp they eat the deeper pink they become.

*The number of births in India each year is greater that the entire population of Australia

*More people are killed by donkeys each year than are killed in plane crashes

*If you counted 24 hours a day, it would take 31,688 years to reach one trillion

*Human tonsils can bounce higher than a rubber ball of similar weight and size, but only for the first 30 minutes after they've been removed.

*If an average human scrotum were stretched until all its wrinkles were smoothed out, it could hold a basketball

*Nearly three percent of the ice in Antarctic glaciers is penguin urine

*Catfish are the only animals that naturally have an ODD number of whiskers

*A dog's naked behind leaves absolutely no bacteria when pressed against carpet.

*The total combined weight of the worlds ant population is heavier than the weight of the human population


Think you suckers can do better? Be famous and throw me a comment!

L18 Artwork!

He could have said anything!!!

Hayes-Irvine Domination

The dominance of the Hayes-Irvine brothers continues at Domingos FC as player’s player of the year award was announced. Gutted I had to give up my trophy; only conciliation is that it has only had to move next door. Handsome Champs!

Protect Ya Neck

"The game of chess, is like a sword fight. You must think first, before you move."

Wu Chess was co-founded by GZA from Wu Tang Clan, and as part of his tour in Liverpool Leaf Cafe hosted a Wu Chess knockout-style competition with the final competitor winning the chance to play GZA genius.

This is an event i probably should have taken a tad more seriously as i had been excited about this for quite some time. But when a football team night out was arranged for the night before the big tourney ..... you can see my predicament. If only i was a strong enough person. In the words of Andy Grey, Stuart Hayes-Irvine take a bow son.

After what only could be concided as a heroic amount of beer and rum consumed, i mustered up whatever cognitive activity was left in my brain to come up with a plan as to how on earth in was going to tackle a chess tournement in six hours time. Three clear options seemed viable, the first being to eject everytime out of my body that had entered, the second to drink a copious amount of water and drown the evilness out and the third option to continue partying and ride out the storm. Tempting as the final option was i felt at the time water would come to my rescue.

Fast-forward 10.00am. Surrounded by hardened chess geeks...... Oh dear destroyed in the first round! Personal well done to Studog, semi final robbery.

Safety Dance

BONG!Much thanks to anton 'forsberg' clarke for his insparational pre game rendition of the 1980s dance classic Men Without Hats 'Safety Dance'. Helping me score what is surely going to be the Domingos' goal of the season. Couldn't have done it without you pal.... A real wormburner.

Ssss-aaaa-ffff-eeee-tttt-yyyy

Safety-dance!

Ah we can dance if we want to, we can leave your friends behind

Cause your friends dont dance and if they dont dance

Well theyre are no friends of mine

I say, we can go where we want to, a place where they will never find

And we can act like we come from out of this world

Leave the real one far behind.

Hot day at the office

A little retrospective piece written yesterday as i was suffering no fools at work.

Sunshine in a usually grey part of the world!How can i be in work on days like today. There is glorious sunshine outside and i am surrounded by inviduals in work who question me on why i feel it nessesary to open a window. Hmmmm let me just think about that. Their arguement is that i have a fan on my desk and why not just use that to attack this incessant heat. Fair point,the objective of a fan is to cool, but having been dipolmatic and spent the last 15 minites discussing how circulating warm stuffy air does not have the same effect as fresh air from outside via on open window, I ended up taking a leaf out of my mothers book and told them all to fuck off and deal with it and not to touch the window. I realised I have now quickly became hero to the minority and zero to the office masses. haha Grrrrrr i am soo tough and extremely massive!

All about the Weather

As i am in a incredibly giving mood today i am going to pass on the wisdom once passed on to me for accurate weather forecasting. Never again will you be left looking drenched like a wet cat in your summertime attire, for these Norwegians really know the future for sure and are always 100% right. Check out this ridiculous detail:

Taa Daa    http://www.yr.no/place/United_Kingdom/England/Liverpool~2644210/long.html

Certainly time to whip that pale torso of mine out and do a spot of tanning. Anyone wants me i will be in Calderstones Park with the harem of women flocked around me having waterfights!

Reading Material for an Irish Trip

The Hayes-Irvine househouse has emptied this weekend as the lovely Miss Emma Hanna has returned to Norn Iron. As Emma has become one of my number one fans I thought I would treat her to some gnome related fun facts to accompany her on her trip.

So here are the best of the best:

* The largest collection of individual garden gnomes stands at 2042. All of which live in the owners three acre garden.

* The most expensive gnome in the world is worth a cool £1.6 million.

* Gnomes are seven times as strong as a man

* Gnomes are capable of smelling nineteen (?) times better than a man

* Gnomes are exclusively nocturnal creatures and are only active at night when they like to help humans with gardening and farming tasks. (Quite convenient that!)

* Gnomes love practical jokes and are notable pranksters.

* Gnomes are peaceful creatures whose primary enemies are unkind humans and trolls.

* Gnomes kiss by rubbing noses

* Apparently gnomes can hold their urine for 72 hours (Dont Ask)

* And finally here is something for Studog. Gnomes are responsible for the theft of underwear from unsuspecting citizens and are business savvy creatures. Underpants gnomes know a lot about corporations and their business plan is as follows:

Great British Escape!

Where should I live? The time has come to leave the security and mediocrity that Great Britain has to offer and venture to pastures new. But where should I leave my scousie hat? The fact is I am in need of a huge adventure. Being able to jump of a plane and fend for myself in a foreign land armed only with my phrase book and a friendly smile (im working on that smile). I want the feeling that only fear is going to get me through the early part of this experience and will ultimately lead me to success. Dabbling with foreign girlfriends over the last couple of years has quite spectacularly blown up in my face, lots of mess drama and mammoth Skype sessions!! I concede defeat; this is not the right way to go!! Although it would have been nice to have somebody to introduce me to a new culture and way of life I have been left with no choice but to man up and go it alone. Forsberg Stylee. 

I have gone application crazy over the last couple of months. Probably every European UK Embassy has a copy of my CV on their desk, all considering how to get this incredible scouser on the first plane over there. I want a country with a different language, without the safety of English to get me by comfortably. However, just travelling around could be another serious consideration. Hristov and boys are embarking on an interesting around the world trip/piss up. Finances could be a bit of a problem though.

Last year I met two amazing Norwegian girls who were studying in Liverpool for a couple of months. These were the funniest most hardcore guys I’ve ever met who could drink ANYBODY under the table. My type of people I thought, so maybe the cold of Norway could be an option, I do love winter accessories and my mother knits a wicked scarf. So a Norwegian oil company have invited me to attend a webcam interview next week. Why the hell not for £30,000 a year! The only question is do I wear a suit for the interview haha. Should be interesting.

  

First excursion booked for now is Poland in June with the mighty Domingos! Maybe I will not return Warsaw is an awesome city! Keep you posted ya’ll.

 

Blinking

A wise pro blogger has advised me not to just use random facts but to research, clarify and confirm the origins of my subject matter. Good advice I thought, I already look stupid enough! So when I heard today that women blink twice as much as men I thought why not investigate.

Whilst scouring the internet I came across a number of forums for and against the blinking debate. Having not found a definitive answer I came across a site which seemed to offer an explanation with a twist.

‘Blinking is a reflex that is started by a sudden noise. Studies show that women react more quickly than men to these sudden noises, and blink both twice as hard and often as men. Another interesting piece of data; lesbians will blink less severely than heterosexual women, and gay men will blink more severely than heterosexual men. Because blinking is a reflex and isn't learned, some argue that the rate of your blinking can determine whether you will grow up to be homo or heterosexual.’

Hmmmm Gays blink more, who would have funked it!